Marriages, as they say, are made in Heaven. Really? I have great doubts in this equation of matchmaking between God and us – the human beings. If everything was matched up there in Heaven by the celestial bodies, why would ugly truths like DIVORCE surface? After all GOD Himself has made the perfect harmonious pair. IT IS A MYTH, A FALLACY, A DELUSION, and A BUBBLE we like to reside in.
GAME OF SUPERIORITY OR POWER PLAY
Let us address the elephant in the room; power play or claim of authority does form the core of almost every marriage, yes GLOBALLY. Yesterday I chanced upon this comic reality show, where Bollywood stars are invited to promote their films and as just I was about to switch off the television set, I heard this mega superstar acknowledging in National television that he indeed earns less than his superstar wife. I was startled, is the country changing or the outlook changing or is the blossoming romance speaking as they are hardly married for a month? But still, I felt truly touched about this man’s honest confession and that too sans any ego.
To speak very honestly, this game of dominance stem out from who wears the pants at home economically, who is the bread earner, who supports the family? Money does do all the talking you see. Then equality in a marriage goes for a toss. In comes the command of power. And it is not a case of gender bias; it’s a case of right and wrong. Men also suffer if wife dons the hat of the superior because of her flourishing career. Immediately the mantras chanted in the marriage rituals, the meaning of saath pheras, or when the groom kisses the newlywed bride after the Father solemnize the marriage in Church after making them go through the holy preaching or the promise one makes to the other, is forgotten and kept in the back burner.
Power is addictive, and it comes from the money that each individual is earning and most of the time it is also our upbringing that instills such streaks of being a control freak. The socio economic scenario at home teaches an individual how to behave with his or her counterpart.
“I am taking you to foreign holidays every single year, you better be respectful to my parents, even if they humiliate you at the drop of the hat, tolerate it.” A rebel like me would immediately protest and say , “ To hell with your foreign holidays, I value my self-respect the most and you can shove that attitude up where it hurts the most”, but sadly the peer pressure, the pressure from social media where it has become indispensable to put up foreign holiday pictures and there is this constant stress on of showing the world how happy one is. This is delusional; one cannot be happy and cheerful always. Don’t let your spouse bully you so that you can exhibit a happy family picture and get some five hundred likes and three hundred comments on it. Does this really matter? This is a virtual world of social media, use it in moderation. You decide what to take in and what to throw away from your mind. This is your shortcoming and you are being taken full advantage of it.
As individuals, we all have our weaknesses and nobody is flawless. So next time your spouse humiliating you in public or in private about this certain weakness you have, give it back. Don’t let anyone control your sense of self evaluation, no one should cloud your sense of judgments, no one should challenge your principles when you are standing in the threshold of taking a decision. Be your own person, don’t be a puppet, dancing to someone else’s strings, even if that means owning a penthouse in a posh locale, zooming out in a top class sedan or SUV, elusive club memberships, shopping spree in the customized studios by these fancy designers, wearing clothes that are trending, dining in 7 star, or even owning the whole of the milky way – do not lose the basic person that you are with your strengths and weaknesses, vice and virtue. Don’t be a servant to consumerism because that’s not what MARRIAGE means.
AN EQUAL RELATIONSHIP
It is not a fantasy or folklore when I say Marriage is an equal relationship. It is a union of two souls who undergo same emotions, same raw pain, and same happiness, may be the ways of expression vary. In this relationship nobody is the BOSS, nobody is the AUTHORITY. Here decisions taken should be mutual based on logical discussions, rational thinking and respecting each other’s point of views. Here thrusting one’s opinion on the other to prove ascendancy is devastating. Giving space and trusting implicitly is something I have learnt from my husband. It’s so foremost a factor in a relationship as significant as marriage that without it people start feeling claustrophobic and trapped and the key is to have enough self confidence. Any insecure personality will not let his or her spouse has space, freedom or will put faith on him or her. It is not a cardinal rule that a woman has to be the best cook in the world, I am not, and in fact I dislike spending time in the kitchen area- simply that’s not my forte. I was never forced or dragged to cook which is not to my liking. I love reading, there was never any tart comment on why do I splurge money on buying books; it’s my love for reading which has always been respected. My husband is a cricket buff, so when IPL or cricket matches are on, even my 9 year old knows not to disturb daddy. He also has this love for pop and hip hop party numbers; I on the other hand love retro music. We always do reach a middle path. If I can listen to Beyonce without understanding a single word, he too makes the effort to listen to Muhammad Rafi – it so happens because we consider each other as allies, as co travelers in this journey of marriage and simply NO ONE IS THE BOSS. From choice of food to choice of movies we are poles apart because we are not conjoined twins, but respectfully we reach a mutual decision. No one tries to behave like a tyrant.
The curtailment of someone’s choice or freedom is a distinctive kind of moral failure. Let us not fail our spouses, let us not malign this beautiful companionship called MARRIAGE.